How choosing to divorce was choosing to live my life

Time is a squishy thing.  It passes in a blink of an eye, all the while it’s moving slow as molasses.  When you’re in a moment it can feel like a slog or just a blip.  Snap of your fingers and you’ve already moved on, forward like a freight train.

It’s been seven years.  I could do the math, but let’s just say it’s been a boatload of days, hours, minutes, and seconds.

Seven years since I choose to live.

 Live my life. 

Live my life on my terms.

It’s been seven years since I signed my divorce papers, went across the street with my new-to-me ex-husband to Starbucks, ordered a chai latte, and sat down to discuss what was next for us.

Time gives you the benefit of hindsight.  A way of reflecting and looking back, letting you see what has changed, but you need to be courageous enough to do it.  To look at the pain, the growth, and the challenges and accept that together, they all worked to create you.

The Kirstin who existed in 2013, is just a mere shadow of the Kirstin I am today.

Seven years ago, I was lost.  I didn’t see a future for myself and the thought of escaping my life plagued me night and day.  I was always sick, dependent on drugs to manage my depression, and I felt so hallow, vacant inside.  Everything in my life felt false, especially me.

Regardless of my circumstances, I had a choice.  I could stay and have my soul slowly wither away or I could choose a different life.

The fear of staying was so much greater than the fear of leaving.  I wanted me back.  I wanted to know what loving me felt like.  I wanted to live a life full of purpose.  I wanted to re-discover who I was and to embrace that girl in a warm, safe hug.

Seven years is a long time, but it’s also a blink.

Last night I was on the phone with a dear friend.  I was talking about how today was the seventh anniversary of my divorce.  She gasped, not believing how quickly time had marched on, and then she said, “You’ve come so far.  You’re no longer lost.  Would you have ever thought you’d be here in your life?  Look at all you’ve accomplished.”

Yep- look at what I’ve accomplished.  And nope- never would have dreamed it in a million years.

I’ve created a life where I’m nourished.  I love me with a passion that’s known to the lucky ones.  I’m helping people in ways I can’t even comprehend.  I have deeper, truer, and more authentic relationships.  My life is an abundance of riches.

But first, I had to choose. 

I had to choose to live my life.

I had to step out in faith that there was something better waiting for me.  A life that supported the true me, not the lost one.

You may be at a crossroads.

Your job may pay your bills, but it sucks your soul.  You’re estranged from a family member and sorely wish to reconnect.  You’re struggling to let go of codependency or addiction.  You just want to feel a love that is unconditional and expansive.

There’s beauty in these experiences, because the moment you realize that it’s not working for you, is the moment you get to choose.  Will you choose door number 1 and stay where you’re at or will you choose door number 2 and step into a new life?

You can choose to live, a whole life.  A deep and rich life.  Your life.

That’s one of the Universe’s greatest gifts- free will – free choice. 

My choice to live has allowed me to know my worth, speak my truth, and re-discover my authentic self. 

I’ll always to grateful to that Kirstin, who reached past her pain and made a choice.  Because she chose me, the Kirstin, who seven years later launched a new career, made her home into a sanctuary, raised two amazing daughters, created a tribe of friends that she revels in, and each morning greets the new day with joy (not dread) in her heart.