5 Steps to breaking the 'me last' cycle

I have a confession to make and it’s not very pretty.  I’m a bit embarrassed to share, but I think you may be guilty of this too.

I have a tendency to put myself last.  Instead of being the engine that drives my life, I’m the caboose, being dragged along in whatever direction others determine.

For decades, my life occurred in the 10 minutes of the day that existed between everyone else’s schedule, agenda, needs and demand.  I lamented that I didn’t really have a life- I was so caught up in making sure everyone else’s life was meeting their own expectations, and to do this I put everyone’s needs first and mine were a very, very distant last.  You’d need the Hubble Telescope to even see them lagging behind.

The quest was to be the perfect wife, mother, employee, sister, and friend.  By being the Genie that granted everyone’s wishes, running around trying to make sure that those around me suffered for nothing.

I was constantly putting me last and lo and behold, there was never anything leftover.  At the end of the day my tank was empty, sputtering on fumes.

And I felt resentful.  Crabby.  Violated.  Guilty (because really- I should be able to do it all, right?).

It was all their fault.  They shouldn’t ask so much of me.  Couldn’t they see I was barely hanging on?

The problem wasn’t created by anyone else.

 It was me.

I allowed this to happen. 

I let everyone believe, through my actions that I was an unending pool of giving.  It wasn’t their fault, it was mine.  I had shut off my ability to receive.  I let all those around me, even those that love me, think I didn’t need anything and worse, that I wasn’t worthy of living my own life.

The realization was a slap in the face.  And my first reactions were shame and guilt.  How could I have let myself down so badly?

Shifts happen in micro moments.

It’s a choice.  A simple question.

Do I choose me?

Breaking the cycle of putting yourself last is like transforming other bad habits.  It takes attention and intention, consistency and commitment.  You’ll have days when you’re a Rockstar and others when you want to crawl back into bed and stay hidden under the covers, nursing your hurts. 

The key is to keep choosing you.

Here are 5 steps to breaking the ‘me last’ cycle.

1.       Self care, baby!  And I don’t mean indulging in chocolate and comfort food on those really crappy days.  You need to take care of you, because if you don’t…kaboom!  You’ll have nothing left to give, not to those you love, and not to yourself.  Self care reduces stress, increases your energy and confidence.  Consistency is important, so building a self care routine is your number one priority.  (Click here to visit my Blog- 7 ways to make yourself a priority every day)

2.       Know your values.  What is it that you’ll never compromise for? What’s so important to you that you’ll fight to keep in part of your life?  By knowing your values, you can learn to say ‘no’ to those people and situations that don’t align with your true self.  It’s an easier no and it allows you to say yes to those things that make you feel good.  This adds both time and energy into your day.

3.        Start setting expectations.  In other words, tell people what you want and use the word “I” when you do it.  Expressing what you want isn’t selfish, it allows others to support you and opens you up to be a better receiver.  No one like to guess what other people want and need.  When you try to read someone’s mind, it never ends well.  Speak your truth, the more you do – the easier it gets.

4.       Establish Boundaries.  Which behaviors are you willing to accept, and which are you not?  If you’re no longer going to be the last person working in the office, honor that boundary and don’t let yourself or anyone else to cross it. This is a tough one, the person who most often crosses your boundaries is you, because it’s easier to give in than to stand firm.  It makes life easier, for the moment, but in the long run you’re left with the feelings of being taken advantage of and resentment.

5.       No self- judgment.  You’ll mess up, that’s a given.  There’ll be slips, but it’s all about the recovery and not the slip.  When you realize that you’ve fallen back into the habit of putting yourself last, just acknowledge that you made a slip, reflect on why you reverted, and take action to shift your attention back to your needs.  This is where self care really becomes essential.

Here’s the secret. 

We all want to give our best, show our family how much they are loved, and excel in our careers.  But, and it’s a big but, when you’re constantly doing for others, especially things they should and could be doing for themselves, you’re stealing from them.  It’s enabling and you’re robbing them of the opportunity to discover their own strengths, resources, abilities, and life lessons.

It’s time to break the ‘me last’ cycle, not only for yourself, but for others too.