3 Steps to getting what you want

I’m guilty.

I do this more than I intend to and when it happens, I feel both pissed off and ashamed.  A strange mix of emotions, churning inside me, feeding upon each other.

Why the hell didn’t I ask for what I wanted?

I’m awed by my daughter Amanda, who doesn’t suffer from this affliction in anyway.  Anything she wants, she just asks for and 95% of the time she gets it.  And all she had to do is say, “I want to be in…or I want to have…”  She’s creating her life, as she wants it, one ask at a time.

She knows the secret.

People like to know what they can do to help us.  It’s a win-win for everyone because most people will try to give you what you want, but only if they know what it is.  Having to read your mind?  That never works.

There’s this underlying current of thinking that many of us suffer from.  We think if we ask for what we want, we are being selfish, not selfless.  Hundreds of years of conditioning, especially for women, has taught us to subjugate our needs and wants.  It’s getting over this hurdle, that is the hardest.

I truly suck at this.  I struggle with saying exactly what I want, especially if I think it will inconvenience others.  But the alternative is a disgruntled me- vacillating between being ashamed that I didn’t ask and angry that I didn’t get what I wanted. 

I recently listened to a podcast by Kate Northrup about this very issue.  I love her work around money and relationships, and this podcast promised 3 simple steps for getting what you want.  As I trotted Perri through the neighborhood as the sun was rising, I decided to tune in.  Her three steps are easy to remember, and so simple, I had to share.

Ask Early.

If your birthday is coming up and you want it to be celebrated in a certain way, share your wants as early as possible.  Waiting till the actual day makes it impossible for anyone to make your wish come true. Or worse, you don’t say anything and then stew about how terrible your day turned out!  You’re not a mind reader and neither is anyone else.

Speak up about what you want, be specific and give plenty of lead time.  Make sure your being heard, so don’t have the conversation in the middle of the big game, the Friday night movie, or as your partner is headed out the door to work.

This is not about you being selfish. It’s about you expressing what you want to feel valued and appreciated.

Ask Kindly.

This goes hand in hand with Ask Early.  If you’ve waited till the last minute, you may be feeling stress or crabby because no one has anticipated your needs, by asking you want you want.  So, your request comes out sounding like a demand. Let’s face it.  No one wants to help a crabby, slightly deranged person and while you may get what you want, chances are the energy and intent behind the gesture may be vacant or even negative.

Ask with kindness and sincerity.  From a place of grace and love, not entitlement.  Speak from the heart and make your ask about what you want and not about what the other person isn’t doing.

Ask Often.

This is not an invitation to ask for the same thing 40 times in a single day.  You should be asking for everything you want every day.  Make it a habit to ask for your wants and needs to be met.  It’s like exercising and building muscle memory.  The more you do it, the easier it becomes, and the more your desires are being met.

Mother’s Day is this upcoming weekend and I did point out in the local shop the blue teapot with white polka dots I want as gift.  But I haven’t expressed my other desires, such as, I don’t want to plan and cook any meals, do any dishes or other housework, and I want to take a walk with my daughters and my pooch (they never walk with me, because they call what I do sprinting).

I’m going to share my desires with them, from a place of love.  I know they care for me and want the best for me.  I just haven’t done a bang up job letting them know what I need.  That’s all going to change, starting with the words “For Mother’s Day, I’d like to...”