The Secret to Soulful Relationships

Relationships take work.  Do you agree?  Are their people in your life that just pop into your mind when you read those first three words?  Just being with them is exhausting and you wish with all your heart getting along with them was easier?  I’m going to show you a way to build soulful relationships.

For me the word work sounds arduous, like running a marathon.  The thought of running 26.2 miles makes me want to sit down and eat potato chips.  Basically, give up before I even begin.  Why even start when I know there’s no way (short of a motor scooter) I would finish?

We can get this way with the people in our lives.  Why try to talk with your friend about her habit of always ditching you at the last minute, when you know she’ll just have a snit and leave?  Or discuss the promotion with your co-worker because he’ll take shots at your skills?  Or talk to your teen about their grades, when they’ll just disdainfully roll their eyes?

Sounds like work right? 

For me, if I approach anything with the underlying thought of “this is going to be tough or even suck”, it usually is.  My own self- fulfilling prophecy. 

It’s time for a shift.

I want my relationships to be soulful.  To have a connection that goes deeper than the surface and gets down to the nitty gritty.  I want to laugh until I fart, cry big snotty tears, and be able to show my vulnerabilities and know I’m love and accepted.  Therefore, my relationship needs to not be work, but be nourished.

How do we move from that surface “hey- how are you” interaction to something more meaningful?

First, we begin by looking within. 

What are your values?  Knowing what you stand for and what you’re not willing to compromise on allows you to assess each relationship at it’s core.  If you value family and a girlfriend is always running hers down, you’ll feel uncomfortable in her presence and she may not understand when you cancel because your son just got sick in the toy box.  (been there)

I’m being straight here- some relationships will never be soulful.  It’s a hard truth that sometimes we need to cut loose certain people.  Guilt may stop us from taking the step to cut out people from our lives but ask yourself how you feel with this person.  If they don’t pump you up and you feel like a limp noodle after spending an hour together, it may be time to say goodbye.

Now that you know your values, it’s time to set healthy boundaries.  Learning how to honor your own needs and wants.  I’m not advocating that you become a selfish witch, but that you carefully consider how and with whom you spend your valuable time. 

When we value ourselves, it becomes easier to say no.  When your mom is once again asking why you can’t be more like your sister and call every day, you can speak up.  It may take practice (my dog Perri is a greater resource for those imaginary conversations), but once you say “Mom, I get more from our once a week call, then you’ll ever know, so let’s stick with those” you’ll feel relief. 

Start small.  Choose one relationship that needs a few tweaks and dissect it see what can be improved.  Are you saying yes when you really want to say no or not this time?  You don’t need to start with family, in fact I’d suggest practicing on the woman who keeps asking you to volunteer for the PTO fundraiser, unless you really want to sort all those popcorn tins.  

The next step in creating soulful relationship is a killer and one I struggle with daily.  Release your judgements. Ouch- right?

It’s human nature.  We project our own stories, wounds, and insecurities onto others.  We jump to conclusions about other people, often making snap judgements about them- all without knowing them or their own story.  99% of the time, we’re just wrong. 

When we judge others, we’re judging ourselves.  That behavior we find annoying in them, is a reflection of our own behavior.  They’re a mirror for the lesson we need to learn.

The answer to this vicious cycle? Grace.  For ourselves and others.

When I grant myself Grace, I recognize I’m doing the best I know how with the information I have available – in this moment.

We’ll never know any one’s true story.  When we find ourselves in the judgement zone, it time to simply recognize that we’re in that place, pivot and instead offer up grace, understanding, and compassion for what we don’t understand. 

The final key to any soulful relationship is to be present.  Completely. Unapologetically.

I’ve missed many moments with my girls, because I’ve not stopped and given them my undivided attention.  I think I can multi task by doing the dishes, sorting mail, or feeding the dog while listening to them talk about their day. This is just so wrong.

I’ve been on the receiving end of that inattentiveness, and it sucks.  It makes me diminished and dismissed.  It’s not a feeling I want to intentionally cause in anyone, especially someone I love.

Being present is a gift.  It opens the connection deeper, to a place where you feel heard and appreciated.  It makes the moments richer.  I’ll always have time to check my phone later but hearing my friend’s story about her new granddaughter for this first time is more rewarding. 

How we relate to others defines us as human beings.  We can mold relationships into nourishing and fulfilling experiences simply though our choices.  We don’t need to accept the status quo but can change how we interact with the people in our lives.  It’s an intentional act.  Soulful relationships are built on values, healthy boundaries, non-judgement, and by being present.  They are sheer bliss.