How to hold the space when someone you love is hurting
My heart hurts because I can’t fix it.
She’s five hours away and hurting, and I sit with tears streaming because as much as I want to “kiss the boo-boo and make it all better.” I can’t. It’s not within in my power, because this hurt is emotional, not a scraped knee, but a deeper bruise.
My oldest daughter is at college and due to COVID, she’s a single occupant in a double room. And although having two closets and dressers is a boon for her wardrobe, it makes for too much alone time. Her college is very good, too good, about having the kids social distanced and she’s struggling. Most of her classes are online, the food is giving her system fits, and she’s spending too much time in her own company.
Nothing makes your own heart weep, then hearing someone you love struggling.
You want to swoop in, snatch them up and wrap them up in bubble wrap until the storm has passed. But you can’t. All you can do is hold the space and allow them to feel, grow, and hopefully emerge stronger in the knowledge that they can do it. It sucks, but being the Ms. Fix-it for everyone isn't only exhausting but enabling. People grow through their own experiences and you need to give them the opportunity to find their way.
So how can you hold the space for someone when they’re hurting, without rushing in with the “save all” plan?
Listen. With your heart, soul, and intuition. Silent your busy brain that’s tracking every possible solution. Stay present, focused on what they're saying, so you can hear what isn’t being said. The most loving thing we can do for someone is to make them feel both seen and heard.
Don’t judge. Keep all your opinions to yourself. This is a tough one, but it’s not your life and you don’t get to have an opinion- unless it’s asked for. Instead of blurting out “I don’t think you should do that!” ask a question. “Why is that the best choice for you?” or “How do you see that helping?”
Don’t fix it. No matter how itchy or uncomfortable you get, don’t fix it. Empower instead. You can help brainstorm a solution by asking questions to clarify what needs to be done, but don’t jump up and make the calls. My daughter needs to know she has the strength to deal with life’s chaos and I’m not helping if I take this away from her, by stepping in and making it all better.
Offer to help. Be prepared to have your offer turned down, but the best way to help is to ask them what they need instead of assuming the need or want help. Ask instead “How can I help you figure this out?” or “what can I do to support you?”
Provide encouragement. Offer words of support. Remind them that they’re loved, worthy, and strong enough. Let them know you have their back and are in their corner, an ear for listening, just a call away and that they’re a priority for you.
Always follow up. After the conversation always reach out again- immediately. A quick text with a kissy emoji or heart. You can even mail a card or send a little something in the mail. I sent my girl a microwaveable, lavender scented meerkat that she can snuggle when the nights seem cold and a bit too long.
Now, a little TLC for you.
It’s heartbreaking not to be the superhero that swoops in. If you’re like me, I feel physically sick when someone I love is hurting and my empathy leaks out my eyes. I worry and wonder, working myself up into a tizzy.
What can you do for you?
Breathe and release.
Breathe in deeply so you can reconnect with yourself. Let it out slowly and then imagine both you and your loved one bathed in pink light. Let it warm you both and provide healing. Ask for guidance on how to love the one you love. Then let it go.
You can do this as often as you need to, there’s no limit.
Right now, I’m doing it every hour which is an improvement over last night when it was every fifteen minutes.
It’s hard.
It sucks.
But, to love someone in a healthy way, means trusting that they can find their own path and learn the lessons they need to grow.
As the person who loves them, your job… is to love them. Unconditionally and fiercely, but in a way that empowers them. Because truly, in the long run each of our hurts belong to us and aren’t about others. We need to own them, live them, survive them, and grow from them.
This is the gift we give when we hold the space for others who are hurting.