Can't get him out of your mind?
I’ve been working on attracting a new love into my life.
It’s been six years since I’ve shared my life with someone other than my girls and a four legged fuzzball. Granted I haven’t had to put down a toilet seat or shave my leg frequently, but I’m ready to have someone else mow the lawn, take out the garbage and hold me tight on those really sucky days.
I’ve noticed that the more I try to be open to new love, the more I get pulled into thoughts about old ones.
It’s like people from your past haunt you.
The experiences (good and bad) replay over again on a loop in your mind, making you feel stuck and grinding to a halt the chance to start over. It doesn’t have to be an old lover. You can replay betrayals, hurts, and emotional pain caused by a former friend, boss, or family member. The damage sticks with you over a lifetime unless you choose to let it go.
Some people wear their suffering like a badge of honor, constantly revisiting the past and never letting the wound heal. They refuse to let go of the hurt, because it’s become familiar and allows them to justify wallowing in their lives.
That’s not you. Nor is it me.
We’re breaking the powerful hold of past wrongs, so we can make room for new, loving and empowering people to flood in. In fact, I’m throwing the door to my heart open, shaking the cobwebs off the welcome mat, and sprucing up the joint with a new coat of paint.
The best way to get rid of old pain is to expose it to the light. Get it out in the open and see it with fresh eyes.
I’m a HUGE fan of letters. I love to write them, give them, and re-read them. There’s something truly honest and raw about a handwritten missive -like there’s no hiding from the truth. Writing allows you to express thoughts and channel the corresponding energy out of your body.
A letter can clear your past.
First figure out who’s taken up space in your head- identify the person and the experience(s) that you keep flashing back on.
Next grab some paper and a good pen.
Sit down to write. Your letter should be handwritten, not typed on a computer. When you hand write a letter, there is a process that occurs that releases more energy- it’s deeply personal, and a bit spiritual.
Be honest. Both with yourself and the person you’re writing to. Don’t edit, be fluid and just let the words flow naturally. There’s no need to watch your wording, use impeccable grammar, or any punctuation. Underline words, write in caps, and overuse explanation points. Let yourself go.
Acknowledge your pain. Explain why you’re writing in as much detail as possible. What hurts are you carrying with you, how has this person injured you? Dig deeply and honestly – getting to the root.
If you’re able to, identify the lesson you’ve learned. In my letter to an old lover, I acknowledged that this person taught me that I was worthy of love even though they left me. I also learned that I should not let another person define my own self worth and that I’m strong enough to thrive outside of a relationship. Look for the lessons under the rocks and in the mud- they’re there if you choose to be honest with yourself.
Explain why you don’t need them in your life anymore. That it’s time to make a break and how you’ve grown beyond them. You’re letting go of the relationship because it’s not benefiting anyone anymore.
Finally, thank the person for the role they played in your life (if you can find this place in your heart). Explore how they helped you grow even if they may have broke you in some way.
Most importantly- DON’T SEND THE LETTER!
When you’ve poured every bit of your hurt into the letter, then sign it and get ready to destroy it.
I usually say a prayer before I take my flamethrower (bic lighter) to the edge of the paper. It goes like this:
Thank you for the lessons I learned from __________. I’m ready to let this relationship go and make room for a more loving and healthier one.
After the prayer, I burn the letter in my stainless steel sink, watching it turn to ash. If you burn something make sure you do it safely or you can tear it to pieces and give it a good flush down the toilet. (There’s a sense of poetic justice in doing that!)
Take a moment to BREATHE. Feel the release- the lightening in your shoulders and the softness in your heart.
Only you can allow someone to live rent free in your head or heart. If you feel a relationship is holding you back it’s time to take it out, shake it up, and dispose of it in a healthy way.
Then open your heart to receive the next great thing from the Universe.
P.S. Have a friend who's stuck in a relationship pattern? She's always picking the wrong job or the wrong man?woman? Share this with her, so she can break free of the past.