Personal emotional attack? 5 steps to recovering your balance
Ouch. It really stung. No doubt about it I was feeling raw, exposed, and vulnerable. It was like someone stood toe to toe with me and yelled in my face “You’re not worth anything.
Of course, that isn’t what happened, but my response was to feel attacked.
A group of people that I thought had my back, gossiped about me, and spread some untrue rumors. This I can handle with a little bit of grace and the sting isn’t so sharp, but they threw my daughter under the bus too. That’s when I saw red.
All sorts of emotions boil up when we’re emotionally hurt and for a mom, nothing makes your inner mama bear rear up more than when someone takes a shot at your kid.
I was pissed. I was hurt. I was confused.
I wanted to knock some heads together. I wanted to set the story straight. I wanted to shout back- how dare they question my integrity. I also wanted to cry, because I felt once again like I was back in junior high and the ‘cool’ kids were bullying me.
Amazing what swirls around in your body and mind in the space of just a few minutes.
Honestly, all thoughts of love, light, forgiveness, and understanding where smashed under my self righteous indignation. I still get a bit hopped up thinking about it and it’s been over a month since it happened.
Those emotional hurts cut deep.
They leave you feeling exposed, like your walking around unknowingly with your skirt tucked into your tights. And they take longer to heal than a cut on your finger or a twisted ankle.
Emotional hurts touch something deep inside. Old wounds that didn’t quite heal and are once again exposed, festering and oozing. They can have a crippling effect on your sense of worth.
How do you move through an emotional hurt and regain your balance? Notice I didn’t say heal or stop or get over, but move through, as in navigate. Emotions that are ignored resurface and the only way to move through them is to experience their riches. Yes- even the ones that are painful.
I’ve discovered five steps that have help me when I feel emotionally attacked.
1. Feel what you feel. Allow it all to wash over you and sit with it. Repressed anger leads to health issues. Not sitting with your sadness leads to depression. If you’re feeling darkness, welcome it. You don’t need to act on your feelings, in fact, you’ll escalate things if you respond from a place of anger and fear. If you’re feeling attacked, it’s your response to the situation that is causing all the upheaval, not necessarily the situation itself. Just take as long as you need to sit with what you’re feeling.
2. It’s not about you. Hard to believe, right? The person who gossiped or trash talked you – it’s really about them. There’s something going on in her life that has made her feel small and insignificant. The only way for her to feel bigger and better is to make someone else feel smaller and insignificant. If you can remember this, you can take a breath. You can gain a tiny bit of perspective and this will help take off the sharper edges off your emotions.
3. Honor your boundaries. If you feel like your boundaries have been crossed, then by all means, speak up. But do it from a place of respect. Yelling at someone that they did you wrong will cause more emotional angst and while you’ll feel good for a while, within a short period of time you’ll feel even worse. If you can be composed and state how your boundaries have been crossed, then do so, but don’t expect an apology. The goal is stand up for yourself in a positive way, not prove the other person wrong.
4. Play detective and inspect your feelings. Discovering the underlying reason why you felt attack goes a long way to protecting yourself from future episodes. In my situation, yes the gossip hurt, but I felt my integrity was being questioned. Integrity is a core value for me, and I hold myself accountable to be honest and forthright with others. Why I felt so attacked was because my very essence was being dismissed and questioned. I can protect myself better by gently reminding myself of my own truth and shutting down those outside voices.
5. Release the emotions- in their own time. Don’t force yourself to act in a way that is contrary to how your feel. By facing and feeling the emotional hurt, you allow it to move through you at it’s own speed. There isn’t a timeline for feeling ‘normal’ again. But you’ll recognize the time when you’re ready to move forward and let the incident remain in the past. Listen to your inner guidance and be patient with yourself.
I’m working through these steps and am 93.7% better than I was a month ago. Emotional hurts are impactful, even if you can’t see them. They leave a mark, but it’s up to you if it’s the size of a crater, a freckle, or a momentary blip in the past.