Fear got ahold of you? The Remedy

This Blog includes adult language- I needed to use a few choice words, because these were the ones I was thinking in the moment.  If you’re offended by swearing, you may want to skip this one. (or read through your fingers-like watching a horror film)
 

I’ve never seen anything so horrifying in my life.

I stood in the bright, dazzling Florida sunshine.  Feeling the heat on my shoulders and instead of feeling relaxed, soothed, and in my zone -I was petrified.  I felt trapped and my stomach roiled, the taste in my mouth like acid. 

Please- I thought- don’t let me vomit.

My girls felt none of this.  They danced around in delight, so happy, so care free.  Throwing out phrases like “This is awesome” and “OMG- I love it.”  Their giddy energy so alive and vibrant.  Giggly, happy, and so excited.

This only fueled my dread.

How am I going to do this? 

Shiny, small, and a bright cheery red.  It sat in front of me- my worst nightmare.  I felt the adrenalin kick in and I wanted to run screaming in the other direction or put my head between my knees.  It was mine for a week.

A convertible.

No fucking way.

A few years back, I was in a serious accident where I rolled my van twice and landed upside down across two lanes of interstate traffic.  As a bonus, I closed I-35W for two hours.  I was so blessed- I walked a way from accident with one scratch.  That’s it.  My angels working overtime, wiping their brows afterwards and exchanging angelic high-fives. It was a miracle I survived. 

Ever since, every car I bought has the highest safety rating.  Give me a tank and I’m set to go on the open road. However, I promised myself I would NEVER get into a convertible.  Drive one? No way – not ever.

And yet, sitting in front of me was the car my aunt said I could use on our trip.  She called it the “beamer” and never once mentioned the thing didn’t have a roof.  It took all I had not to burst into tears, especially as my daughters danced around the car asking when we could take it for a spin.

For hours I repeated my mantra “It’s safe for me to drive the convertible.”

The only reason I did- for my girls. There was no way I could let them down.  If left on my own, I’d have used Uber for everything.

That’s right.

I drove the beast...I mean beamer.

Nauseated.  Sweating.  Shaking.  White Knuckles. Praying like my life dependent on it- which it did.

Oh- did I mention there was no rear view mirror?

Or that it sat so low to the ground, that I built up thigh muscles because getting into it was like doing squats?

Or that it could be squashed like a bug when a semi passed it?

My fear was very real, and yet I drove the fucking car.  Putting the key in the ignition and turning it on was excruciating, but I did it. This is the definition of courage- to push through fear and take a step forward in the direction you want to go.

How do you push through the fear when you’re in the grips of it?

You need to take away its power over you.

I did this by sharing my vulnerability, my concerns and my fear with others. 

I told my girls that I was scared and why.  I explained that I needed their help- in navigating, not bickering, being encouraging and letting me drive at a pace I was comfortable with- no pushing.  Their support and encouragement gave me confidence to sit in the car and turn the key.

I also recognized my limits.

There was no way in hell, I was driving over an hour to the beach on the Interstate with Florida drivers.  Have you met those folks?  Most are snowbirds, retired and not always paying attention to their surroundings- merging into traffic rivals a monster truck rally.  Instead, my Aunt drove us. I held on with white knuckles for an hour, praying the entire time.  But I did it and immediately got my stressed and stiff body into the hot tub once we arrived home.

I trusted that if I met my fear with love, it would diminish 

I believe the convertible was a universal lesson, an opportunity to grow.  I didn’t want this lesson- I tried to stuff it back into a box and squash it.  But if I let this fear control me, I would miss out on something more valuable to me, time with my daughters.  I had memories to make with the two people I love the most.  There was no way, I was going to make their vacation miserable or miss the chance to explore with them.  This love is what pushed me through the fear.

Over the week, I quit sweating my ride and became more comfortable driving.  I was still nervous, but my reaction had moved down a few notches from terrified.  It helped seeing my girls looking so cool with their sunglasses on, hair whipping in the wind, and with big cheesy grins plastered on their beautiful faces.  I’ll never forget the trip- I traded my fear for memories.

P.S.  Fear is real for so many and sadly, keeps many people stuck in place missing out on an amazing life.  Share this post because no one is immune to fears grip and every one deserves a way to get to the other side.