How to have a hard conversation and come out on top

After five years, the uneasy queasy feeling in my gut had finally move from full volcanic eruption to a small twinge. 

I dread these calls. 

No-more like loathe. 

I’d rather spend time at the dentist drooling while they pepper me questions or my annual physical.  I feel more exposed on the phone than in that fashionable light blue gown that opens in the back (highlighting all my assets). 

It’s as if the ghost of conversations past haunts me before I pick up the phone. Whispering… “It always turns out bad.  Why try? How will this time be different?”

Taking a deep breath, I dial and then once I hear the “hello” from my ex-husband, I begin.

Difficult conversations. 

I almost called this blog how to have a difficult conversation without…
…throwing up.
…tearing someone a new one.
…screaming at the top of your lungs.
…hanging up and crying.

You know what I mean? 

Conflict makes me a bit edgy or itchy, like wearing the red wool sweater that looked great in the store but gives me hives.  I know I must be an adult and face it head on, but I’d rather hide in the closet under my stairs eating graham crackers (my comfort food), trying to be invisible, so it would all just go away.

So how do you deal with people who push your buttons?  They make you feel angry or sad or guilty.  Or perhaps they act all superior, while looking down their nose at you?  And as much as you’d like to just run away and never see their face again, you can’t.  These people are your sister or boss or neighbor or even, your ex. 

How do you have a difficult conversation and come out on top or at the very least not battered?

Boy Scout Motto- Be Prepared

Know what you want out of the conversation. 

Is it a raise? An agreement on how to pay for the kids dance lessons? New ground rules for a family dinner? 

Once you know what you want as an outcome, practice what you’re going to say (out loud).  This helps.  I’m invincible in my head, but the moment I need to say something out loud I get cotton mouth and the words dry up, especially if I’m stressed.  Practice makes it easier.  Then figure out how the other person will react and prepare answers to their concerns, objections, or issues.  Anticipate their arguments and be armored with your responses.

If you’re being bombarded- you don’t have time to prepare- but you can still be in control. 

First breathe. 

Before you say a word, take a moment to breathe.  This allows your body and emotions to shift from high gear to a lower one.  It also gives you time to prepare a response that isn’t just reacting to what’s being said to you or about you.  The pause takes the crazed energy out of the equation.

Just the Facts, Ma’am

Leave all the guilt, blame, shame, and excuses behind.

Stick to what’s true and you can prove.  Don’t get bogged down in past slights or who did what to whom. (who or whom? Always confuses me) If you’re talking with your sister about how to make the family birthdays less dramatic, focus on offering solutions and not the bratty behavior (your view, not hers) of her kids. 

Always focus on your facts and truths. 

If it’s an emotional conversation state how you feel, but not how they make you feel.  No one likes to be blamed for someone else’s issues. Simply say “I feel annoyed.” “Not I feel annoyed when you…”

Live by the Golden Rule

Want to be treated with respect? Have your opinion heard?

Approach all conversations with openness. 

Don’t assume that it will go badly or be negative.  Give the same attention to the person you’re talking with as you want from them.  Truly a no brainer, but sometimes drama just sucks you in. Try to see the person you’re talking with as a human being complete with feelings and their own baggage that’s influencing their actions. 

Simply put- treat others as you want to be treated.

You’re Worth It

Remember, you don’t need to put up with verbal abuse.  If the conversation has turned ugly and a mudslinger, you can walk away.  Simply state “I won’t be talked to like that” and disengage- leave the room or hang up the phone.  You have value, and no one has the right to treat you horridly.

Honor your boundary.

An apology may come your way or not, either way your worth standing up for.
 
My conversations with my ex-husband still occasionally cause a bit of woozy gut, but nothing like before I started using these steps.  I know what issues cause him distress.  I see and accept him for who he, which helps me get the result I want from most of our calls.  How does it go? Oh yeah-for armed is for warned. 

P.S. Share this blog with a friend who’s struggling with having those hard talks. Give her the ammunition to come out on top!