How to escape the Perfection Trap
I’m in recovery…from perfectionism. It’s true. For years I’ve suffered from this infliction of not being enough, having to project a perfect life, and crushing my self -esteem when I’d make a simple mistake. I’d beat myself up when I’d make a typo in an email-my default thought would be “Kirstin, seriously- check your work- you’re better than this.”
Perfection is exhausting.
The constant striving to achieve the highest level of everything. Be the perfect mom, daughter, friend, consultant, coach, spouse…you fill in the blank. I’d never actually reach that pinnacle or peak, always falling short. It’s like being a hamster on the wheel, always running toward a goal and never reaching it.
Perfection is a trap because it’s unachievable.
When we fall short, we open ourselves up to even more destructive behavior. People turn to shopping, exercise, alcohol, food or other external escapes to numb the emotions of falling short, time and time again. My default for a mistake was to berate myself and then tamp down the emotions with sugar. A nice piece of dark chocolate (okay, maybe five pieces) to help me escape. But afterward, my self-esteem would still be in the dumper, my jeans a bit tight, and I feel a bit queasy. A quick fix, but in the end not an effective one.
Perfection robs us of joy.
Honestly, while I was caught up in being perfect, I was miserable. The sad fact is that I never achieved those perfectionistic goals, because let’s face it, I’m human. Crash to reality – I’m flawed.
It took many years and many unachievable goals to realize that this flaw is what makes me, well ME.
While I was constantly striving to be perfect, I was leaving my authentic self in the dust. The part of me that hates to clean and would rather read a book was screaming at me “a bit of dirt shows your living in your house!” while I scrubbed, cursed, and wondered whether anyone would really notice the dust bunnies under the sofa.
Joy wasn’t part of my day. There weren’t any celebrations, fist bumps, or high fives because the expectations I had for myself were never met. I realized this isn’t who I am. My true self is a happy, slightly goofy person and she was stuffed down so far that I’d forgotten her.
It was time to ditch perfection on its’ perfect little butt.
My recovery has taken time, patience and persistence. It’s not always easy, and I find myself being sucked back in. The difference is that now I have a process to keep me away from that perfection pit. When I feel myself being sucked back in, I take the following steps:
· I recognize that I’m at the edge. I feel the pull to self-berate and I stop immediately.
· I shut down any comparisons I’m making to others.
· I acknowledge that I’m doing the best I can with the skills and information I have available to me.
· I lean into what makes me happy. Instead of focusing on what is lacking (this is perfection’s claw that grabs us) I pivot my thoughts to what’s working well.
· I find a different solution. Since I hate to clean, I hired someone else to come in to help me and I’ve embraced a bit of dirt in the meantime. (If you find dust bunnies, so be it, but why are you looking under my sofa anyway?)
· I let go. The goals and achievements that aren’t aligned with my authentic self are released. Instead, I focus my attention and intention on those dreams that fulfil me.
There’s a cure for perfection.
Admitting that you fall into this trap is the start. The best part? When we let go of the need to be perfect, we’re telling others that we not only accept ourselves, but them. Others don’t need to pretend around us and this level of connection brings so much joy. So my new goal is to strive for imperfection and I hit the mark. Every. Time.