Sometimes things just hit me square between the eyes.

 A palm slap to the forehead while I sit mystified.

Does this happen to you?  Or am I the only one who has these flashes of brilliance and irritation at the same time? Because usually my fabulous “ah-ha” is followed by the words, “Kirstin, you’re such an idiot.”

This morning as I laid in bed, all cozy with Perri snuggled up next to me, I realized that my body was tense.  Not a little bit of tension but strung so tightly that if I were a guitar string I’d break if you gave me a gentle pluck. (I can just hear the sound, “doy...ing”)

It’s like my armor has grown so thick that nothing passes in, out, or through.  I’m so contained that I can’t even sink into my wool mattress pad and melt.  What’s it like to be a puddle?  I’m a self contained drop of rain that refuses to merge with the others.

I know this tension is not good for me.  Well, that sentence was the understatement of the year.  It’s detrimental to me physically, socially, and emotionally.  I can’t continue to walk around all pent up in my armor, while the world around me flows with beauty and color.  I’m missing out on the really good stuff, like deeper relationships, vulnerability, and muscles that feel supple like satin. (I’m feeling a bit poetic today- can you tell?)

The self imposed Wall needs to come down.  But I know it won’t just crumble- I need to remove it one brick at a time.

That’s the thing about change, you can say I’m going to do this- tackle it all at once. But the truth is that if you hit it with a bomb, you don’t get to experience the journey and the lessons waiting for you.  You miss out on the excavation, the discovery, and the joy of progress.

Yes, it may be hard.  But as Glennon Doyle says, “We can do hard things.”  Especially when the reward is so stupendous. 

If I took off my entire armor at once, frankly, I’d just run into a cave and hide.  Exchanging one type of prison for another.  Instead I’m going to take a mindful approach.  One that allows me to grow and feel confident as I ease into it.

This morning, I realized, I was lying in bed rigid as a stone.  I became aware.  It was my ah-ha moment.  I didn’t try to figure out why I was so tense or walk around so tightly strung. Instead I focused on just being.

I focused on the present moment and breathed.  I started a mantra, “It’s safe for my body to relax,” and repeated it gently for several minutes until I felt myself actually dissolve a bit into the mattress.  A small victory, but I’ll take it.

So, for the next two weeks, when I feel the tension in my body, I’ll practice this mindful approach:

1.        Recognize that I’m tense (Awareness)

2.       Don’t judge myself for falling into a pattern I’ve held for over a decade.

3.       Breathe deeply to bring myself to the present moment

4.       Repeat my mantra

5.       Celebrate my mini win

This is how you take down a wall, not with dynamite, but by being brave and recognizing you need to make a change and taking the first step (one of many) towards the goal.

I’m ready to release the tension in my jaw, actually melt on a massage table, and open myself up to true connections, where I don’t need to guard against hurt by putting on my armor.

What change are you ready to embrace?  What has kept you feeling stuck or awake late at night?

These steps will work for you.  Join me in the two week experiment and feel the difference.  Need help? Click here with the change you want to make, and I’ll help you create your own mantra.