Goodbyes suck.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend who’s moving hundreds of miles away, a child leaving for college, the breakup of a relationship, or the death of someone you hold so very dear.

Goodbyes suck.

Many times, it’s not only the person who you’re saying goodbye to, but the role or identity you’ve played.

You’ve been tied up in this role for months or even years and when a person leaves, you feel like a part of you has been amputated.  There’s a hole in your world, it doesn’t matter if the goodbye is a loss of your parent or a shift in the relationship you have with your 18 year old who’s headed to college.

You just feel different.  Maybe a bit adrift and uncertain.  You’re missing both the person and the relationship you had with them.  Essentially a double whammy.  Let’s be honest- it can feel like a kick in the gut.

Goodbyes suck.

In August, I experienced three different goodbyes.  I lost my dad to brain cancer, sent my daughter to a college five hours away, and lost a close friend who was like a grandmother to me.  All these goodbyes happened in a five week span.  Overwhelm became my new next door neighbor, stopping by to borrow some milk, but not taking the hint that it was time to go.

I felt bereft and unanchored.  Wondering how I’d survive in a world without my dad’s support, my sweet girl strumming her guitar in her room, or the unconditional love of a good friend.  I admit, I sank into a doozy of a pity party- complete with poor me thoughts, comfort food (yes- I’d like fries with that), and endless tears.

For three days I was a hot mess.  Then one morning, I woke up and tied on my walking shoes trying to undue the pizza and sweet potato fries that had attached themselves to my thighs.  As I walked, my mind loosened up and I felt a tiny shift, like a shiver.

I started looking at my recent goodbyes in a different way.

Each goodbye in my life has offered me a gift.  Doesn’t matter if the goodbye ridded me of a negative relationship such as end of my marriage or saying so long to a toxic friendship, or if it was touched in sadness at the loss of my dad or the change that happened when my daughter headed off to college.

I choose to view all my goodbyes, not as the end of something, but the beginning.

Every relationship shapes you in many ways.  You’re given the opportunity to learn about you- your strengths and weaknesses.  What you want from life and what you’re willing to accept as treatment from others.   These lessons get absorbed into us like water into a sponge. 

When you say goodbye, you’re choosing what parts of the relationship you want to carry with you.

You can keep the positive pieces and dump the negative ones.  You can seek the lessons and decide what you’d do differently next time.  You can define what the next phase of your relationship will look and feel like.

My dad taught me that I can do anything, that I’m worthy and at the same time invincible.  Yes, I miss his hugs and hearing him say he loves me, but his strength is a part of my core, my soul.

My good friend Bernie lived to be 95 years old and she celebrated family in a way that made everyone feel like they were her favorite, including me and I wasn’t even related by blood.  Her gift of being present and focusing on you like you were all that matter is one I’m trying to bring into my life daily.

My daughter Abbie is a freshman at college.  Starting her life away from me.  I miss being able to touch and talk with her daily, but I know we’re connected and that our relationship will evolve into a stronger bond, if I give her the space, she needs to discover her own strength. 

Goodbyes can suck if you focus only on the loss and not the gift within them.  Each person comes into your life to help you discover more about YOU.  Embrace the emotions, the lessons, and the shifts to your life path.  Celebrate how each person’s influence, positive or negative, has shaped you to be more resilient, strong, and more than a little bit invincible.