I give off this vibe.

I wasn’t consciously aware of it until a friend said something to me.  I’d been sharing how after 6 years of being a rockstar independent woman, I’m felt like I was ready to open myself up to love again.

Her response was a bit of a stunner.

She didn’t say, “honey, that’s awesome I know this great guy…” or even “it’s about damn time.”

Nope, instead she laid this one me.

“You’re going to need to soften your energy.”

What?

Apparently, the fierce warrior goddess energy I project isn’t doing me a huge favor in attracting a partner.  Yes, I’m financially secure.  Yes, I can snake a toilet (don’t ask). Yes, I can tackle any problem or conflict with a single mindedness that borders on downright scary.

Huh.

I though all my independence was a huge turn on.  Apparently not.  My friend’s point was that men like to do a bit of protecting and care taking and my vibe was shouting “Run the other way- I don’t need you- I got this.”

So, what are you secretly telling others?

Are you like me, so entrenched in doing it yourself that you can’t possibly take help from others?  You’re scared that no one will support you, because in the past there wasn’t someone to depend on? Or perhaps you think it’s a sign of weakness to show vulnerability by asking and accepting help- who wants a wuss in their life, right?

You and me, we give off  vibes that others perceive.  It may not be obvious like our hair or eye color, but it’s absorbed by others in a way they may not even understand.

Perhaps you’ve had a friendship that went sideways. She gossiped about you or was so self absorbed you felt like a third wheel when there were just the two of you in a room. Regardless, you lost trust and to protect yourself from feeling that pain again you have an invisible sign over you that says “only shallow, surface friendships please.”  Then you look around and wonder why you can’t connect more deeply with others?

Or your self esteem is in the dumper because some namby boss in a past called you stupid because you couldn’t figure out her ambiguous instructions and when you asked a question she blew up (probably because she didn’t know the answer).  You took her opinion to heart and think of yourself as the office dweeb, unworthy of the big projects or a promotion.  Your energy is saying why try.  If you can’t be bothered to care, why should anyone else care for you?

Take a moment and think about this.

Is there an area is your life that’s missing the mark…a bit off target from what you want?

What message are you secretly telling others about your expectations related to your relationships, your worth, your career? 

Once you know your secret vibe, then take action to soften its pulse.

Don’t know where to start?  Ask a true friend (one who won’t sugar the truth), family member, or trusted coach what they think and feel about you related your block with romance, job goals or performance, self image, etc.  What’s their perception?

Then take action.

When you’re aware of your secret vibe, you can take steps to soften your energy. You can put situations into perspective.  You can be open to a new friendship with the woman in your yoga class who asked you to coffee or even recognize that your boss was in a pissy mood and her comments were directed more to herself than you.  You can say yes to experiences that will help you grow and shift your vibe to one that attracts in all the juicy stuff you deserve.

I’m learning to ask for help.  Even when I don’t need it or may not even want it.  I know I’m still the fierce and capable woman I have always been…but I’m trying to be more approachable through vulnerability.  Every time I take on a new task I ask if I can get someone to help me, and I never turn down offers out of some misguided sense of strength.

I’ve started by asking my girls to help more with chores.  Yes, I can clear the mountain of grape vine I trimmed from my fence, but with my girls pitching in the job takes a third of the time.  Whew- more time to sit on my deck and read Elin Hildebrand’s latest novel.

I’m hopeful that my secret vibe will shift over the next few months.  Romance is in my future with a strong, kind, hunk of a man who wants to spoil me silly and not with a wimpy one that’s just looking for someone to take care of every detail for him.

In fact, I can use a bit of help with this…..