Today I cried. Big wracking sobs; the type of tears that leave you feeling depleted, red faced, and snotty. I hate this feeling. A sense of overwhelm that kicks my self esteem to the curb with a sneer.

I sometimes get sucked in by my own self talk. That voice that says “Hey! You’re not good enough. Who do you think you are trying to change your life? You’re over 50 for goodness sake- too old for a new career, new love, or new vamped up life.”

Then the I should haves start to make an appearance. All the past decisions I’ve made come out of the dark to be painfully re-examined and critiqued. This is not the place where my light dwells, but it’s a familiar place to me, full of self doubt and a bit of defeatism.

Honestly, change is freaking hard. This past year has been filled with delirious highs and excruciating lows. Starting over takes grit…and patience. It also takes self compassion and faith.

Some days I’m taken over by the blues. It takes so much strength to always be strong, that I want to just succumb for a moment to the pity party. The poor me. I want to blame everyone, especially myself for life not going according to my plan. I’m in control of my life, why can’t it just go as I want?

The truth? I struggle with surrender. Letting go and allowing myself to be supported- by the Divine, my family, and my friends. This is my greatest challenge and it’s also my greatest reward. Funny how that works, huh?

So, what do I do when the Blues threaten to over take me?

I succumb. For a while. I own those feelings, but I don’t allow them to own me. I need to acknowledge the darkness within, because if I don’t it will grow. I cry those snotty tears and let the emotions reach the light, so they can be transformed. Then I reach for an alternative- a way of being that makes me feel a bit better. I can’t jump from despair to happy in a nanosecond, but I can move from despair to frustration and then to acceptance. From there, I can work towards possibility and hope.

In the meantime, while my spirit is mending I can act to help me beat the blues. I have a history of depression and over the years, I’ve learned a few things to help me rebound more quickly.

First, I take comfort in a glass of water or a cup of herbal tea. Crying dehydrates and when I replenish my body I‘m also fueling my soul. I make a ritual out of it and am present while I drink. I close my eyes and savor the coolness or hotness, the taste, the smell and get lost in any sounds that surround me. All that’s important is just me and my cuppa. It’s grounding. Drinking connects us with our bodies, brings us out of that panicked place, and back to the present.

Next, I move my body. I rock out to 80’s tunes, grab my dog Perri for a walk, gently stretch or even clean out a junk draw. Anything to get new energy moving in my system and shake out the negativity that has gathered. Being in nature is my ultimate high, so I usually try to go outside to a woods or garden.

Then, I grab my journal. What we resist -persists. The act of pen to paper frees our minds and allows for a release of any lingering negative thoughts and emotions. I write down a list of my fears, acknowledging my shadow self. Next, I focus on my dreams, allowing for possibilities to float to the surface. This help me clear my mind and I’ve discovered that when I’m writing, no other thoughts surface to distract me. I’m laser focused and feel connected to my true self.

Finally, I connect. I don’t let myself be all alone stuck with my internal negative loop. I may call a friend and seek advice, but I try not to dwell on the negative. I’ll ask for 10 minutes to vent and the move towards another topic. Connections with others remind us we’re not alone. We’ve common experiences as humans that keep us interwoven. Each experience I have, someone else has already or

will experience also. That’s the true blessing- a sense of not being alone in this world.

I started writing while tears streamed down my face. Now I feel a lightness. Just by sharing, I’ve lighten my blues. I’m grateful for you.