5 steps to take when fear overwhelms you
Do you know the feeling? It's dark and a bit prickly. For me, it feels like I'm stuck and there's no right choice. In every direction, I can't see the light, just more of the same- a littleness and a hard nut in my gut of fear.
I've been to this place more times than I've ever wanted. For the first 44 years of my life, I felt I had no options. I lived with the heaviness and the drain of fear.
Then the most profound moment occurred. I realized that I had a choice. My choice looked like this:
My fear of not changing actually was greater than my fear changing. Whoa! Read that sentence again. I chose the lesser of the two fear- I chose to change my circumstances.
This epiphany occurred as I was taking a hard look at my marriage of 22 years. My entire adult life was wrapped up in that relationship, in was part of my identity. If I let go of it, what was left of me? If I stayed, what would become of me- would I continue to shrink inside? These thought looped through my brain on auto-play.
I knew it wasn't working, there wasn't any blame to be placed, but the option of divorced seemed out of reach for me. I was raised very conservatively and the added fear of disappointing my family, hurting my daughters, and having to endure the seemingly endless "telling of the tale" was debilitating. Stuck. I felt worthless, adrift, and confused. My emotions were a boiling cauldron of failure. My body was sick and my mind was overwhelmed.
It was in that moment of recognition, that I can make a choice, when two things happened: I surrendered and I began my journey through fear.
Guess what was on the other side? Clarity, strength, new dreams, self worth, support and transformation. The mother lode. To think, I just had to choose differently and be open to infinite possibilities.
That time in my life was where I rediscovered my faith. My pledge to God was simple "Show me the path and I will walk it with courage and grace."
The bumps were there, but I held onto my intent that it would unfold according to God's plan. So instead of being mountains, the bumps were just ant hills. Resources and support came from every direction. I was able to find a great collaborative divorce attorney next to my favorite Starbucks!
Through that experience, and a number of others, where fear has shown up uninvited, I've continue to choose surrender.
My good friend, Gretchen recently shared how I naturally help others with fear, disappointments and life's bumps. Reflecting on our conversation, I discovered there are steps I use to transform fear in my life. Here is the process I've used many times:
5 steps to transform fear in your life
- Connect to the emotion. Don't sweep the pain under the rug or try to replace it with positivity without acknowledging it. If you don't honor the emotion by truly feeling it, it'll stay with you, lodged inside and form a negativity or fear loop. Take the time and really feel the emotion. Don't judge your feelings- what you feel is real and honest. By witnessing our feelings, we more easily release them.
- Recognize the experience is part of your journey. This part kind of sucks. Yes- this situation was supposed to happen to you! Acceptance is part of the transformation. If you fight the fear, it will continue to grow stronger and become more insistent in your life. Instead recognize that you're exactly where you're supposed to be.
- Figure out the lesson. Why is this fear manifesting in your life? Why do the same experiences keep reappearing, perhaps in different forms? This is happening in your life so that you can grow! What can you take away from the experience that makes you stronger, so that you can move forward?
- Determine the goal. Ask yourself, if this fear wasn't real- what would I do? Remove the fear from the equation. We fear the unknown because it seems uncertain, scary, or even dangerous. However, the unknown is also the place where dreams, possibilities, and opportunities live. By removing fear from the equation, we get clarity on our goal.
- Create a plan. Once you have your goal, it's time to brainstorm and formulate a plan. Questions to ask include: How do you get to your goal? What actions do you need to take? What resources are needed? What one step can you take today to move towards your goal?
Don't let the list above overwhelm you. Start at the beginning and simply let your focus remain there. In the middle of my divorce, I had a terrible day and I called a long time friend from college. I was blubbering away about the mess of my life and how overwhelmed I was with the details about the kids, a new house, money, etc. She interrupted me and spoke these words of wisdom "Kirstin, quit looking at the f***ing mountain, just look at what's in front of you." Brilliant!
That advice pops in my head every time I get overwhelmed. More truer word never existed. So my advice to you is to forget your mountain. You have the tools- go conquer your fear.
I hope this story has served you. If you know of someone who is struggling with releasing their fear, please share this article with them. Thank you!
Originally Published 04-11-2018