5 Reasons Perfect's a Pressure Cooker
The one thing I’ve never told my girls is “You’re Perfect.” I’ve told them I’m proud and amazed by their efforts, but never have I saddle them with a “perfect.”
It’s the double edge sword of compliments.
Wait a minute you say, who doesn’t like to be called perfect?
I remember in third grade, Mrs. Kable’s class. I was a champion speller, just ask all my classmates. Every spelling test I’d nail. I’d spend days reviewing and studying my words, all because I wanted that elusive gold star. For weeks and weeks, I was untouchable, the reigning spelling queen of St. Francis Elementary until the fateful day when I misspelled “other.”
My fall from that pedestal was hard. My classmates looked at me and shook their heads, disbelief on their little faces. Some were mean about my mistake, there’s nothing like being dissed by third graders. I wanted to crawl under my desk…a failure. All my worth was caught up in being a perfect speller. That feeling still hangs around my psyche, a kick in the gut.
That type of pressure, of being perfect is debilitating. No, I’d never want that for my daughters or for anyone I care about.
There are five reasons why you shouldn’t want to be perfect either.
(1) Perfect’s an ideal defined by someone else.
Face it my idea of perfect and yours don’t match up. They’re unequal, because we value different things. My idea of the perfect afternoon is different than yours. I’d be walking through the woods with my dog, the sunshine warming my face, and leaves crunching under foot. You may be at a spa getting a hot stone massage while breathing in the lavender, utterly relaxed and a giant puddle.
My point- if someone says you’re perfect, you’re meeting their expectation of an ideal, not yours. Is this how you want to be defined? By someone else’s set of values? I don’t think so.
(2) Striving to be perfect puts stress not only on you, but everyone around you.
Perfection’s fleeting and unstable. It changes in the moment. If you’re trying to live up to an unachievable expectation, you’re putting undue stress on your mind, body, and emotions. Deep down, you know that perfection’s unsustainable and striving toward the impossible is like knocking your head against the wall to move it an inch.
When you expect perfection from yourself, you’re sending a very strong message to everyone else in your life: I only accept perfection, you better measure up or I’ll ditch you for someone better. Whoa! Talk about stressing out your kids, partner, and co-workers. At some point, others stop trying because the cost associated with being perfect’s too great.
(3) Perfection leads to an addiction.
If you’ve ever been perfect for a moment, your next thought may be “Crap, how to I stay here?” You love the feeling, of being on top or unstoppable. However, as being perfect isn’t the norm, you could become dissatisfied in life. You’ll constantly try to find your perfection high again and again. When that feeling becomes elusive, you’ll become unhappy, wondering why you can’t have the perfect job or relationship. The constant aim for perfection takes over your life, increasing stress, leading to more negativity, and a grinchy outlook.
(4) Perfection’s a mask, not the real you.
Perfection’s what the world may want to see and even more messed up, it may be only what you want the world to see. It’s all an illusion. It’s not the true you. Hiding behind a mask doesn’t shine your light, it hides all the good stuff- the pieces that make you real. I want to get to know the funky people. They’re the interesting ones who aren’t afraid and don’t hide behind a perfection curtain. Stories define us, and contain not only triumphs, but the fall on your face moments. Life happens in these moments, this is where growth and connections happen.
(5) Perfection stunts your growth.
If the goal’s to be perfect, you’ll never take a risk. You may reach that perfect moment, but it won’t be at your fullest potential. Growth happens when you take a chance, throwing caution to the wind, knowing the result may not be perfect, but messy and sticky and…oh so wonderful. Perfection’s tightly wrapped, there’s no room for you to evolve.
My daughters are the most amazing people I’ve ever known. They’re not perfect, but each day they show up and take on the challenges of life. I’d much rather have them “give it their all” and learn from the experience, than to encourage them to be perfect. After all, their mother’s wonderfully imperfect.
P.S. Please, please, please tell your daughter, sisters, friends, all the wonderful women in your life that they're wonderful as they are. Let's break this addiction- the need to be viewed as perfect!