“Go ahead, call the police!” my neighbor roared, his face beet red, vein throbbing above his left eye.

The effect was the same as if he had yelled, “I triple dog dare you!” 

I pulled on Perri’s lead and we scuttled home.  My whole body shook from the encounter and at the same time I was livid. This man had threatened me with his booming voice, invading my personal space.  All because his dog attacked mine for the fourth time.  His response, when I pointed out the hair raised on the back of this hound from hell, was to tell me she was playing.  Seriously, that mutt nipped my Perri!

What about bullies causes our adrenaline to spike? 

After this encounter I was crying, my stomach hurt like I ate bad fish, and I was useless for hours.  I kept replaying the scene, wondering what I could’ve done differently.  I defended my dog and boom…my neighbor blew up like Krakatoa.

His goal, to intimidate me.  This is the ultimate weapon for bullies and trolls. If they can make you feel less, smaller, or insignificant, they feel better about themselves.  Especially if they’re in the wrong.  Let’s face it- I caught him out.  His dog wasn’t on a lead in a public park, charged 50 yards and attacked mine.  The only thing I contributed to this scenario was walking my dog, and gasp…she was on a lead. 

If I’m in the right, why do I feel crappy?

Because no one likes to be yelled at, or shamed, or blamed.  It triggers the fight or flight response in an instant.  Honestly, I’m a flight risk.  Confrontation and conflict make me a bit squirrelly.  Standing up for others is easy -standing up for myself, a struggle.
So how do you handle the bullies, trolls, or the word that rhymes with witches?

First, acknowledge how you feel. 

There’s no right or wrong answer.  Feel sad, confused, pissed, shaky, sick, or even amused.  Your feelings are real, and they matter.  Stuffing them down will result in them coming back up at an awkward time, or worse you’ll take your feelings out on someone else.  Let those emotions fly- throw a tantrum on the kitchen floor, punch the bed pillows or sob for five snotty minutes. 

Next reaffirm your self worth.

Don’t let anyone steal your value.  I have a friend who keeps cards she’s received over the years in a special box.  These cards contain snippets of love- nice things people have written about how she’s helped them or how they value her friendship.  It’s a box of warm fuzzies (remember those?).  When she needs a boost, the box comes out and she reads a few and is reminded of who she truly is.  Don’t have a box, call a friend or five.  Tell them what happened and then listen to their response.  Don’t get sucked into your drama, but really listen to your friend and hear her response.  Chances are she’ll gently bring you back to reality.

Recognize it’s the bully’s issue, not yours. 

This is a hard one.  When people say something about you, your first thought is “Are they right?”  Their opinion or even ranting causes doubt.  Truth?  Their words reflect their own issues, value or self esteem.  It’s called projection and it’s real, baby!  People try to distract you from their own insecurities and flaws by pointing out what they perceive to be yours.
The best thing you can do is remember that it’s not about you, but about them.  The second thing is to practice loving kindness.  At first, you’ll be resistant to sending thoughts of love and peace toward the bullies, trolls, and witches.  But, this practice re-opens you heart after it’s taken a hit.

Finally, act from a place of strength. 

If the situation doesn’t affect your health, safety or livelihood- let it go.  Untie the string and let it float away, like a red balloon.   However, if the issue does affect you in an emotional or physical way or is on-going, you need to figure out a next step.  Is it mediation with an ex, breaking ties with a toxic family member, or reporting a co-worker for harassment?  If you’re questioning whether you need to act, the answer is yes. 

And if anyone ever throws down the gauntlet, like “go ahead and call the police”, call their bluff and say as you wish.

My park is now a safe place to walk Perri.  That neighbor?  He got a visit from the police, sold his house, took his hound from hell, and is now someone else’s problem.  (yeah-go me!)


P.S.  Sadly the bullies, trolls and b*tch#s are lurking around the corners.  If you have a friend struggling with this issue share this post and give her the weapons to fight for her self worth.